The very first thing on Cornell’s famous “Big Red Ambition: 161 Things Every Cornellian Should Do” list is the following item:
1. Make the library into your bedroom and have sex in the stacks.
I find it interesting that fucking in the library comes before spending a summer in Ithaca (#31) and taking Intro to Wines at the Hotel School (#7). I imagine the concept for this item emerged after one of the list’s creators spent a long night in the library with his girlfriend, fruitlessly studying for an impossible chemistry, science or non-communication related test (Because, let’s be honest, how much time do comm-majors really spend in the library?). Surrounded by books, notes, highlighters, and a stack of flash cards five inches tall, they may have decided to call it a night somewhere around 4 or 5 a.m. As they packed up their things, he probably noticed that they were the only ones left in the library. Suddenly, sleepless delirium implanted a genius idea in his head: let’s have sex. Three pumps and a few fallen stacks later, this guy officially fornicated in a library. CHECK.
Imagining this scenario made me realize that there are hundreds of wonderfully unconventional places on a college campus where two people could potentially have wild, exhibitionistic sex. In honor of Cornell’s list, I’ve developed my own X-rated version of the checklist, chronicling the top places on campus I think every college student should bump uglies before donning cap and gown. Make a mental check mark next to all the places you’ve done it already (bet you can’t guess how many I’ve got under my belt!).
1. In a fraternity or sorority house (ATO, ZBT, and FIJI don’t count on principle) ☐
2. In a dorm room—try and cover dorms on both North and West (extra points for doing it in Schuyler) ☐
3. On Schoellkopf field (props if you do it before a big game) ☐
4. On the basketball court in Noyes ☐
5. In the Johnson Museum of Art ☐
6. In an auditorium ☐
7. In the Teagle lap pool ☐
8. Somewhere in Gannett, specifically so that you can be asked if you’re pregnant immediately afterwards ☐
9. At the Oxley Equestrian center next to the horses ☐
10. On the floor of Fuertes observatory on a clear, starry night☐
11. In a gym locker room ☐
12. In a science lab (be sure to wear protective eyewear) ☐
13. In a library…during the day! ☐
14. On the “sod sofa” in the Ag quad☐
15. On the Arts quad…after streaking across it (See #8 on Big Red Ambition list) ☐
16. In one of the dining halls (preferably within close proximity to Oakenshield’s Happy Dave!) ☐
17. In a secluded study room ☐
18. On the musical steps next to Olin ☐
19. On Ho Plaza (purposely ruin a chalking or two) ☐
20. At the top of McGraw-Tower (if you still have the energy after climbing the 161 steps! ☐
21. While riding the blue-light bus ☐
22. In your professor’s office when they’re not around ☐
23. In a building on campus with historical significance ☐
24. In Uris where the Wilder brain collection resides (if you’re freaky like that) ☐
25. Behind the stage…on Slope Day….while “Hot In Here” is being performed ☐
26. Behind the stage…right before graduation (ask Giuliani if he wants to join too) ☐
Please keep in mind, however, that the consequences for getting caught having sex in, on, and around any of these locations could result in suspension, expulsion or, at the very least, extreme embarrassment. That being said, happy fucking!