Dear Cornell Housing Lottery System,

It was a weekday like any other. I had returned to my dorm after a long day, and noticed a new email in my inbox. When I saw that I had an email from the housing department, I was filled with excitement: housing season had officially begun. My friends and I had been eagerly discussing our plans, envisioning our room decor and easy commutes to class. And then, in one widely distributed email, it all came tumbling down.

Housing Lottery, I ask you: why do you cause me such pain? You are the thorn in the side of rising sophomores everywhere, pitting us against each other like tributes in Cornell’s very own Housing Games. There are only so many beds available in the best dorms, and hundreds of rising sophomores vying for them. To have your housing situation reduced to a mere role of the dice is depressing and discouraging. Does Touchdown the Bear know the kind of cruel, cruel tricks that you play? I can’t imagine that he would approve. That fluffy guy seems like he’d have some sympathy for me and my friends, who, because of you, may be separated next year.  West Campus and I were prepared to go steady next year, and because of you, Bethe House basically broke up with me via email. A mass email assigning a horrific time slot. Just like that, I saw my visions of Sophomore Glory go swirling down the reportedly disgusting drains of Schuyler.

I know I sound ungrateful, Housing Lottery System. I don’t mean to. I owe you thanks for a lot of things. Thank you for contributing to my premature aging due to stress. You’ve saved me a lot of money that could have been spent on skincare products, now rendered useless in your wake. Thank you for renewing my appreciation of dining halls, as I now realize that they could be miles from me should you choose to make it so. It may sound sarcastic, but my appreciation is genuine. Because of you, I appreciate the little things, like having a guaranteed place to lay my head at night, and knowing that my roommate isn’t an ax murderer. I appreciate you adding to the already high stress levels that Cornell students deal with on a day-to-day basis.

Cornell Housing Lottery System, I beg of you, please be nice to me. You have wronged me by giving my block the time slot from hell. It’s time you make things right.

Your biggest fan,