Last year the head of Ivy League football, possibly strong armed by the Illuminati, decided to ban tackling in practice. However, last weekend they voted in favor of banning tackling all together, for many reasons.

Coaches from Cornell and Columbia are actually fairly surprised it has taken this long to adopt the two-hand touch rules they have been playing by for the past 10 years.

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The Harvard training staff credits this revolutionary rule change to the box office hit, Concussion. Special teams coach commented on this inspiration saying,“That movie was super good. Will Smith was fantastic and had an Oscar worthy performance, but Leo totally deserved this one.”

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In the Ivy League, it takes a lot of skill for athletes to get to where they are. Unfortunately, many of our athletes could not even pass the concussion test before they got here. One senior player recalled the troubles he faced his freshman year, stating, “The test was really hard, when I was a freshman it was the first year the NCAA didn’t allow players to get extra time on the test.” After the scandal in 2013, Cornell officials are cracking down on testing integrity saying, “We know we can’t prevent all cases where the academic code of conduct is broken. However, we take our concussion protocol very seriously, so to loosen the burden on our athletes we’ve decided to cut our loses and draw the line at Oceanography”.

Some league officials, however, still believe that these rules are not enough, saying, “We are considering getting rid of diving and falling for next season. We would introduce a 10 yard penalty if a player touches their knees or elbow. We are also highly considering instating a speed limit. Some of these players are really speedy. Too speedy. Players who travel at speeds faster than 10mph may be disqualified and fined appropriately with a speeding ticket based on how fast they were going.”

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Despite some objections, many coaches are actually super pumped about these rule changes, and a coach from Princeton (who asked not to be named) said, “This will allow me to reminisce on the glory days even more. Shit, back then I typically didn’t remember half of the game. Kid’s just aren’t as tough as we were nowadays.” This is exactly what the Cornell coaching staff needed, with students robbing them from bragging about walking uphill to class both ways.

Old-timers instead can now enjoy talking about how tougher football was back in their day. We can look forward to this being added along with the greater purchasing power of $5 and why the Rolling Stones are the best rock band. A Yale head coach commented on the implications of the rule change saying, “Being able to discreetly undermine your players in day-to-day conversation is a key part of coaching. Talking about how much better we were in our time is no easy task. This new rule change will allow even our assistants to take part in the fun.”  I guess the risk/reward of being a hard-ass was worth it.

Although we want our players to be safe, we also want our student-athletes to look like real life football players. We don’t really care about the team’s performance as much as we care about it’s appearance. It is because of this the Ivy League is going to continue to force them to wear full pads, despite outlawing tackling.

Finally, taking away all the physical aspects of football will now allow for anybody to take part and enjoy the fun!