In the hierarchical realm of Social Media if anything of value happens to you, you can do many things from making it your Profile picture or Cover Photo, posting it as a status, Instagramming it, adding it to a Facebook album, Instavideoing it, Vine-ing it, Tweeting it, e-mailing to your mother, snail mailing it to your grandfather, putting it in a time capsule that you’ll never dig up and then, maybe JUST maybe if the event is so meaningless, inane and of the lowest quality, you’ll Snapchat it. For one reason or another (and you can all say that I’m just too cynical and anti-everything) I never have and never will jump on the 10 second bandwagon that is: Snap Chat.

The entire premise is flawed – Snapchat boasts that it gives users the ability to “send a picture instantaneously.” Can’t I do that on Text, iMessage, Bbm, Facebook, Instagram, E-mail, Skype? I can! Well then…

The Logo – For the love of everything that is good and simple why is the logo/mascot a Ghost? Is it because of the ghost-like fog that is the low-quality of the pictures? Or how scary your friends can look with double chins? Also, why is he dancing and why can’t I see his face? So many questions, so little answers.

The final count down – Has anyone else noticed that Snapchat is basically a politically correct version of a ticking time bomb: “this message will self-destruct in 10… 9…” Or just the boring Muggle version of a howler? Either way, the “Oh my god look how funny this Snapchat Fred sent is… oh no it’s gone forever you’ll never see it again” situation I find myself in daily is getting old fast.

The snapchat code of conduct – Everytime I receive a snapchat I have this overwhelming haze of anxiety come over me. If it’s a mass snapchat do I reply? Do I reply to my friend’s response to my mass snap chat? When do I stop snapping and start texting? The problem with this app is everyone has a different perception of what is considered totally fine and what will lead you to “accidently” delete their contact. Either way, I’m pretty sure Robin Thicke was singing about his frustration with this app.

Who are you and what have you done with my friends? – My biggest problem with Snapchat is that it turns my usually eloquent, witty, hilarious friends into insufferable people. Here are some examples:

That braggy friend – We all know that friend who only sends pictures of them sitting front row in the US Open, lying on a beach in Santorini or flying over the Caribbean in their private Jet. The worst part about the braggy friend is that he/she will use the most insufferable captions: “oh hey,” “just chilling” and “casual.”
Oh hey! I guess I’ll just “casually” have to delete you off my contact list.

The Play by play friend –I exhaled! I inhaled! Now I have a fly in my mouth because I took too long taking a picture of myself exhaling. You get the point, if you’re this type of person do us all a favor, get a Twitter account and put it on private.

The Mass Snapper friend – Nothing stings more than answering a “Miss you!!” Snapchat from your friend and finding out it was sent to 600 of her “closest” friends.

The Essay Writer friend – Listen T.S Elliot, if the snap chat is going to be covered in long lines of text and unidentifiable scribbles you can spend the extra two milliseconds and actually text message me.

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The Artist friend – Pablo, relax. Take out a sketchbook or Microsoft paint and please share your artistic failures amongst your close Picasso family.

That friend who looks good in every picture – I think you meant to click “make my profile picture” or “Enter into the America’s Next Top Model: Cycle 90” Wait you didn’t? Well I guess the time has run out on our friendship…

The video friend– The last time I checked I do not have Steven Spielberg, Joss Whedon or Quinton Tarantino on my Snapchat list. So I do not expect to gain any insight on visual storytelling through your inane videos, nor do I appreciate everyone glares at me in the library because I forgot to turn my phone on silent and a video of you raving at the “BEST KE$$$$HA CONCERT” plays loudly.

 

The Foodie friend – Apparently, your Julia Child protégé friend is not fulfilled by having her/his own food Tumblr, Blog and Instagram that they need to Snapchat their food every time they eat as well. Wow, that’s so kind how will we ever repay you?

The Health nut friend – “I’m on a treadmill at 6am,” “I’m on the elliptical at 6:35am,” “I’m at a spinning class,” “I’m doing crunches while I’m sleeping,” “I’m bowing down to my shrine of Jillian Michaels.” How about you concentrate on that full body work out, and give your thumb a rest.

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The Snapshot friend – There are only a few notifications that chill all of us to the bone: “Your iOS update is available”, “Mom is calling” when you’re out at night, “A friend has tagged you in 9 pictures” but the worst one of all is: “_____ took a screenshot!”


All in all, I’m probably just bitter because I never get any Snapchats seeing as my name starts with the letter Y….