The Star Wars Holiday Special and Me

Author: Paris Nowrouzi

 

Star Wars Episode VII: The Force Awakens is showing Friday April 22 at 8:45 Saturday April 23 at 9:20, and Sunday April 24 at 7:15 at Cornell Cinema. For advance tickets, please go to the tickets website here.

 

The news that I was going to endure the infamous Star Wars Holiday Special was met with overwhelming response from all of my friends, mainly this one:

“Why would you do that to yourself?”

 

 

I was fully prepared to write an article all about how, yes, the Holiday Special is terrible but is fun for some laughs, provided you don’t take it too seriously. But I can’t do that, reader, because, you see, everything you’ve heard about the Star Wars Holiday Special is true. And I love you too much to lie to you.

It starts out promising enough. Han and Chewbacca are in the Millennium Falcon and being shot at. Han wants to turn back, but Chewie is determined to get home and celebrate Life Day with his family. Life. Day.

Look, I get not wanting to make this about Christmas. It’s a holiday special, not a Christmas special, and the Star Wars cast celebrating Christmas wouldn’t make sense anyway. This series takes place “long ago in a galaxy far, far away,” and their experience with messiahs out there has obviously been pretty subpar.

 

That said … Life Day? That does not sound like a holiday Chewie should be so desperate to get home for. It doesn’t even sound like one you’d get time off work for! What would you even celebrate on “Life Day”? Being alive?

 

Anyway, cue the Star Wars theme and the opening credits start. Floating heads in the sky reveal our cast, including James Earl Jones, actually credited as the voice of Darth Vader for the first time. I’m sure he’s thrilled that this is what they chose to put his name on. How could he not be?

At Chewie’s home–which is really well furnished for the sidekick of a smuggler–his wife, son, and father are anxiously awaiting his arrival. At least, I think they are. There are no subtitles, so for the most part you’re left watching these wookiees bleating at each other.

The Holiday Special, bless its heart, attempts to have a plot. Darth Vader declares martial law on planet Kashyyyk, and an Imperial Officer and some Storm Troopers show up at the house looking for evidence of Rebel activity. Oh no! The family try their best to keep them distracted. Eventually, Chewbacca and Han arrive to save the day, and the family can celebrate Life Day in peace. If this sounds like a sparse story for a 90 minute special, well, that’s because it is. But luckily that’s not all the Holiday Special has to offer.

 

In between the plot we are treated to variety show vignettes… IN SPACE! Every single one is a non-sequitur, at best tangentially related to the story. The wookiee family calls Luke in an appearance so brief I imagine it was the inspiration for his role in The Force Awakens, in theaters now at Cornell Cinema™. But of course, the cooking show segment where the host mysteriously sprouts arms as she vigorously stirs a pot goes on for what feels like a frightening eternity.

 

It’s pretty much agreed that the only part of this special worth a toss is the animated segment, which marks the debut of everyone’s favorite bounty hunter, Boba Fett. His backpack’s still got jets but apparently he has yet to finance his ‘vette, because he’s riding some sea creature. He also has a weapon that looks like a giant tuning fork.

 

That said, the cartoon itself is kind of mediocre. There’s not much to the story, it could use more action, and the animation is cheap-looking. Han, in particular, looks like a fun-house mirror version of himself.

 

But any shelter in a storm, you know?

As you’ve hopefully gathered by now, dear reader, I do not recommend you watch the Star Wars Holiday Special, as much as it hurts my inner seventh-grade non-conformist to say so. It’s not funny; it’s simply baffling and, frankly, quite boring for long stretches. That said, I did not partake in any of the plentiful drinking games, to ensure that I was not too impaired to write this article for you. The things I do for love. However, If you’re looking for a creative way to get drunk, or think your garbage threshold is higher than mine, then feel free to try for yourself.

Just remember, once you see it you can’t unsee it.