Author: Izzy Pottinger
Star Wars Episode VII: The Force Awakens is showing Friday April 22 at 8:45 Saturday April 23 at 9:20, and Sunday April 24 at 7:15 at Cornell Cinema. For advance tickets, please go to the tickets website here.
Listed as one of the the worst films ever made on Wikipedia, The Man Who Saved The World (1982) is called “Turkish Star Wars” not because it steals plot points from the legendary Star Wars franchise, but because it takes footage from the original and uses those lifted images again and again and again. The music is lifted as well, from Indiana Jones, Ben-Hur, and Flash Gordon. The dialogue is atrocious and the storyline is fractured terribly. It sounded, from its wikipedia page, like the kind of movie I would love with abandon. I recruited my friend Onur, who speaks turkish fluently, to watch the film and translate for me. Here’s our conversation:
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Minute 1-10
Our heroes battle through space with some insanely familiar battleships. They appear to be cribbed directly from the original Star Wars film, blended with less-than-expert editing skills with original footage.
Onur: This is 100% from Star Wars.
Izzy: Oh my god, is the whole film like this? They aren’t even hiding it.
Minute 13
Our heroes walk around a desert. They seem very relaxed, considering that they have just narrowly survived a crash landing. They swagger around, looking for civilization.
Onur: They’re talking about getting with girls! I love this!
Izzy: At a time like this? Turkish guys are such dogs!
Onur: *silent agreement*
Minute 27
Our heroes helps a beautiful blond. You can’t be sure if the young boy with her is her brother or her son. The eyeliner under her eye is in a think, mesmerizing line. The eye contact between her and one of our heroes is scrumptious.
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Izzy: God, her eyes are so sultry.
Onur: This is how you make moves.
Minute 31
Our heroes train for battle. They punch and kick and lift actual rocks , while the beautiful blond and her little bro(son)ther watch in admiration
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Izzy: Rocky has nothing on this.
Onur: I think I’m gonna go lift after this. OH MY GOD HE’S PUNCHING A ROCK!
Izzy: GAINS!
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Minute 47
Our hero battles with some strange furry creatures, and kicks some major alien booty with bare handed authority. If you watch nothing else, watch this scene.
Onur: *laughing manically*
Izzy: *laughing manically*
Minute 73
One of our heroes meets a tragic end, at the hands of the evil alien overlord with no motivation to doing any of these unspeakable acts at all. It’s a touching moment.
Onur: NO NOT ALI!
Izzy: Wait, these guys have names?
Minute 80
Our remaining hero finds an effective means of travel, through power bounding across the planet. The rock lifting workouts have done him very, very well.
Onur: Whoooaaa.
Izzy: Look at the vertical on that guy, Jeez. Get him on your basketball team.
Minute 82
Our Hero chops a furry’s head off with his golden gloved hands, then rips it in half in gore-free victory. The strength and virility of this warrior is obviously apparent to humans. This scene comes as a complete surprise.
Onur: *maniacal laughing and wiping away of tears*
Izzy:*complete loss of speech*
Minute 88
Our hero wins, although in stock footage used during this battle sequence we saw our beautiful home planet destroyed via Death Star. Onur and I clap, as we have now been infected with sweet Turkish Nationalism. (turkish delight?)
Onur: What a film.
Izzy: I think I’m moving to Istanbul now.
Journalism has enriched my life with meaningful experiences. This is the best film ever made. Hands down. Watch it as soon as you can, even if you don’t speak Turkish. Watch it in a small group of like-minded heathens. You will not regret it. It’ll refresh your pallet for when you go to see Star Wars: The Force Awakens, this weekend at Cornell Cinema. If only the Star Wars universe had more of this:
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